There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
