I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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