All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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