nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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