ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
