Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
