I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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