the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
