she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
