Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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