Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
