On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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