I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
