My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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