ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
