So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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