I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
