btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
