I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
