omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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