Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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