Pants 0. Shit 1.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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