Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
