Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
