I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
