Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
