I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
