I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
