No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Semen is not good for contacts.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
