I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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