i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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