So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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