It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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