Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Best friends brother. Beat that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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