Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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