Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it