So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.