mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba