Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
