I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
