somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
