somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
