I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
