but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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