u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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