I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
