Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
