he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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