Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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