Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
