I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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