She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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