just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
