No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
