Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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